So pass it on

Dallas Willard notes in the first chapter of his book Renovation of the Heart, “those who are able to find or are given a path or life that will form their spirit and inner world in a way that is truly strong and good and directed Godward,” (p. 20), are fortunate or blessed. Not everyone has a clear path for character development laid out in front of them as they grow up. Not everyone has the wherewithal to seek out a system, network, or resources to develop and form their spirit and inner world. This makes a huge impact for me on the role of a leader; it is by fortune and blessings undeserved that a leader is able to be in the position they are fulfilling. By this fortune and blessing, there comes a deep and almost strict obligation to be of the utmost character. In addition, there is an obligation to pass on the blessing and fortune to others who have not been fortunate or blessed in this way. The abilities and character skills that one has developed is not to horded and kept for oneself; they should be passed on and shared with others, not only for their benefit, but for one’s own sake.

what do you want to pass on?

stop for a second and think about what you want to pass on from your life. what is it that you want to be your legacy? is it your children? if so, what is it you want seen by others that bares your mark? is it your career? if so, what about it do you want passed on for others to see?

everything in our life that we care about can be taken away, without notice. let this sink in... i'll give you a second... are you pondering this truth?! our friends, our families, our job, our home, our cars, our health, even our life, can be taken away from us. tragedy can strike any one person at any given moment. i started typing out examples of how these could be taken away, but there's no need for drawn out drama... you get the point!

so, let me ask again, what is it that you are banking on to be your legacy?? keep thinking about this while i drive us down the cul-de-sac of my point.

i watched a movie tonight, kind of cheesy, but it was called "Stardust." look it up in IMDB if you haven't heard of it. anyways, there was a part in the movie that got me thinking. if someone, like the stars or the moon (from the movie), was watching our lives, what is it that they would see? what would keep their interest? i know this may sound preposterous but seriously, what is it about our lives on Earth that would keep anyone interested? i cannot imagine that the drama of my life is really worth watching. i'm not a reality tv show, and i'm certainly no regular on The Hills, or The Housewives of Orange County. even if so, who really cares? what in my life is intriguing and awe inspiring? anyone who knows me, knows that i have a hard time telling someone "i know the answer," even though i think i do. in this case, "i do know the answer." i know what about my life is interesting... its me! haha, all kidding aside, its my actions, my actions towards love.

do you think love is a feeling? try again!
do you think love is a matter of falling into? sorry!
do you think love is only in movies? you're going to have to expand your potential.

love is the one thing we all have potential for.
love is the one thing that we can all pass down.
love is the one thing that does not come easy for anyone!

love in its purest form, is not based on feelings; love is the conscious choice to act out of kindness or express patience, even when there is no reward or motivation to do so.

this is not a lesson on the teachings nor the definition of love, for i could fill the expanses of blogspot with definitions and examples of love and at the end of it all, still not be able to fully describe it. what i do want to express is that our choices for love go beyond ourselves and by the basic essence of it, love is altruistic. so, for our practical exercise, find one thing today that you think someone you know and "love" would want you to do, but you really don't want to do. the catch though is that we cannot make a "big deal" about it, and if the person doesn't notice our act of love, we cant (no matter how much we want to) show them what we did. remember, this isn't about us, its about doing things for others that we say we "love."

***scroll to the bottom of the page and submit your P.E. if you just read this post, please leave me your feedback. even the most basic reactions are appreciated. lastly, if you have an experience that resulted from this PE, please share it with me, and i will post it for you. very last thing, if you have a revelation or epiphany that you want discussed, tell me and i will post it as well. this blog is a dialogue forum, not a monologue for others to read about me and my thoughts. the more we interact, the more motivated we become to do these PE's.***

i got a new career... i'm a husband!

i consider myself a pretty apt and astute person when it comes to perceiving things as they are. there are some things in life though, that no matter how prepared you think you are, you will never be completely ready. one of these events is marriage.

i had always been told by other married couples that marriage is work, and it's a full-time job. so if marriage is work, shouldn't we go into this job with the mindset of success? of course we do. is anyone standing at the altar thinking, "oh, i'm gonna be here for 2-3 years tops, after that, i'm out!" no one wants to quit before they start a job. the question we have to ask ourselves when getting into this field is whether or not we want this to be our "occupation" or our "profession?"

what is the difference between an occupation and profession you ask? good question, i answered this one on my continuing education test for my CA life insurance renewal test today. a profession is set apart by formal and informal education. so what the heck does this mean for marriage? it means, we either can set ourselves into marriage with the intent of being proficient or just take a stab at it and hope we're good enough on our own.

we go through life learning how to be successful in different roles based on several criteria, for marriage i think there are a couple that stand out for this metaphor. when we decide to be professional husbands or wives, it takes a commitment towards seeking outside examples of success (1), education (2) and assistance (3). every successful person in the world, no matter what the scenario, had role models that they looked up to. they also had to learn the tools and keys to success. lastly, they had assistance and help from others close to them.

(1) role models to understand model roles - everyone needs one. where we find them might be hard, at first, but not impossible. maybe your parents aren't the perfect example of a great marriage, but if they are, well then you have a head start on the rest of us. we need to "actively" pursue practical examples of proficiently efficient marriages. learning from those who have "made it" will help us believe that we can too.

(2) education - nothing witty for this one sorry. education is a huge key to understanding any subject of life, but in the words of Oscar Wilde, "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." true wisdom comes from learning beyond knowledge. i could know all about how a marriage works, and the effort it takes to keep it intact, but this does not translate to me being a perfect worker in my marriage. it is through a transition of knowledge to practical wisdom that we can implement habitual actions and reactions that will keep our marriages a success. i implore those of you in a marriage, and those of you not yet married, please seek out education on how relationships work. begin to understand that love is not just a heart-felt, goey emotion that you get around someone you care about. it is a "conscious" and ever consistent denial of selfishness, for the greater good of someone else.

(3) lastly, the ass... "assistance" that is! (lame i know, but its 1 am, give me a lil break) - assistance gives us twofold help. one, it means that we are admitting that we need help. admitting that we need help, God forbid, means that we dont know everything and perhaps, despite popular belief, other people may be a bit more apt and astute than us. secondly, it gives us help! who woulda thought of the obvious. but there's more to this "help" when we reveal our vulnerablilty, it lets others into our life, our sticky and messy life. we all have messy lives, most of us just dont admit it. when others come in and help, it gives us a form of confidence that we cannot conjure up in any other way. no one should try to journey this life alone, that would be crazy making!

this is quite a longer post than my last, so i will wrap it up. i only have 3 PE's for ya'll this week.

(1) ask your partner if they know of any "role model marriages" that they know of, and if so, do they think it would be ok to have dinner with them and chat about "how they do it." then the next week, you think of a couple that you had in your mind and have dinner with them. (if you're single and still reading this post, i applaude you. do the 2nd half of this one. think of a married couple you know who are successfully married, be brave, and talk to them about their marriage.) *successfully married people love to talk about their marriage just like businessmen love to talk about their business.

(2) find a book, a marrital class, something of some educational standard that you think may help you understand marriage better. if you're feeling really brave, ask your spouse to pick one for you. if you want a recommendation here's a book that we learned about in premarital counseling "The Five Love Languages." You might have already heard of it, but we both really recommend it.

(3) for this one, you should really sit down with your spouse and talk about maybe just one thing, for now, that your marriage needs help on. it could be anything, finances (oh the joy of mixing funds!), sex, the lack of, quality time, etc. after you figure out a weak point, think of someone or a couple who you think "has it together" on this issue. if you cant think of anyone, ask a friend if they know of anyone. be bold, dont just give up because you cant think of someone, or its awkward, or you dont want them to know about the problem. suck it up and take your life and marriage seriously. if you loved your job but were going to lose it because you weren't good at a specific task, i would hope you'd ask for help.

a happy wife is a happy life...

the 3 ft fog

i wonder sometimes, during my half-hour commute to work, if we had more daily moments of reflection, how much more persepctive our world would have!? i mean, from my observations, the common person wakes up, gets ready, drives to work, works, packs up, drives home, goes to the gym or unwinds in front of the "tube," or by prepping and cooking dinner, eats dinner, talks a bit with our spouse, our roommates, our pet(s), on the phone with our friends, or we veg out with our DVR, get ready for bed and then go to sleep. the most insightful and reflective time of the day is subconsciously in our sleep. im not saying that this is unacceptable on occassion, but it is an unacceptable life.

i call this type of experience my "3 ft fog." it's when you feel like your mind cant see past 3 ft in front of you. clouded by busyness, mental conversations of randomness, nothingness or even worse, worries. all of this fog is created by one's self. all of the thoughts are selfish, even when thinking of others, we tend to put them into "our" life. rarely do we break away from this mentality, but when we do, oh how the view is beautiful!!! the moments when we really appreciate our wife or husband, best friend, boy friend or girl friend, mom and dad, brother or sister, or who ever, is when we break free from the fog, and see them from another view. our sight is bigger, better and more whole than before. we start to realize their thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. we take them into account and see them as "others" in this game of life. when we start to see that our life is not the only life and that others are just as important as us, we begin a movement towards altruism, and away from egoism. i will develop this idea a bit further in later posts, but for now, lets get to the "practical exercise" for the day.

PE: the next time you get in your car (when driving somewhere that is a habit, dont want us to get lost while doing this exercise) try to not think about what's on your mind. try to think about what's on the minds of those driving around you. dont be too judgmental, rather, imagine yourself driving their car, going where they are going (home, work, kids soccer game, etc), and really see their life from their perception.